Razor's Edge

"When you live in tension, that is the best possible atmosphere for high creativity. Thats where the void is and that's where God is: in between. We need a two-eyed view. Otherwise there will be no charge, no electricity; there will be no joy."

- Father William McNamara

One day, Hannah and I mapped out our route to different houses and apartments we found on Craigslist. We drove all over Bay Area and the last apartment (which was supposed to be our first stop) turned out to be the one we loved. We applied for the apartment that same night. The next day, which was a Wednesday, we get approved, and life starts chugging into motion.

A week flies by, during which I am mentally trying to prepare for this move, while applying for jobs like mad, because how the hell am I going to pay rent. With the magic of networking, the universe hands me an interview at Affinity Labs. I'm scheduled for the interview on Thursday, which looked like this: meet a potential third roommate in the morning, sign the lease at noon, go to the interview in the afternoon, walk in heels until my feet cry, move things into my apartment at night, and finally yes finally stop to breathe. I'm laying beside Jason on my makeshift bed on the floor that first night, breathing, and all I can do is ask myself: How do I spend nearly a quarter of my life waiting for this moment, have it all happen within a week, and respond?

Another week passes and three monumental things have happened.
1) I actually DROVE back, thanks to the help of my big sister, Maichi
2) Semar has agreed to live with Hannah and I, and they both move in on Sunday
3) I begin my designer contractor position come Monday (!)

Again, breathe.

I'd been unemployed for two months, worrying and wondering when things would look up, and now I am stunned, like a child who lost Mommy for the first time. Looking forward into the unknown, I realize I am leaving behind a life of everything I've ever known. My family, my dear friends, downtown, the greenbelt, bicycles, Farmer's Market... I have twenty minutes to spare so I drive to the nearest park, the ToiletBowl, where I ran into a bee that vengefully stung my shin, where my sisters and Hannah and I would play House, in the pine needles, where Mica and I would roller blade on the tennis court, against all park rules. I sit on a slope and watch a ladybug crawl onto my journal, kids coming home from school, one falling off her bike. Still reminiscing those memories is a gift will stay with me as I go on. It won't be the same, but thank God for that, because then, it is special.

I should also remember to look forward with that same tenderness with which I look back. New adventures and new memories are to be made. Today, on my little sisters's 21st (Happy Birthday Meeks), Jas helped me shop for apartment essentials, like soap and bathtowels. We had a good, fun, lazy, light day full of laughing over good meals and subsequent food coma, driving through green hills and beneath massive clouds, taking forbidden naps and snacking on candy. The other week, Debbie, Karen, Evan, Jas and I discovered a bar called Kitty's where we stood and sipped and enjoyed the walk to and from. I am still transitioning into this new place, and while I wish that I could bring everything and everyone I love about Davis here to Emeryville, I know I will be okay.

Please keep in touch. milan.phan@gmail.com