Feelers and Light


My passing thru St. Helena and the open hours of this store finally aligned last month. The window display marked with a mysterious "M" always caught my eye but it was always closed, which probably only fanned the flames of my wanting heart. This time I walked up to the door and pulled the handle, and instead of resisting against me as usual, it opened easily, and so too did my heart crack wide open. 


I took the photo above as I was leaving. I remember feeling complete and utter awe of what I'd just seen and taking a photo was all I could do. Complete and utter amazement, wonder, and incredulity. The curator of this store had taste that was out of this world. Each piece of furniture, jewelry, light, or object make a statement. Either it was a bold statement made with delicate materials, or it was simply bold and unassuming. Nothing was purely beautiful without also being a little large, slightly weird, kind of funny, which gave it a kind of honesty. Every object was novel. I couldn't get over how I felt, like I just witnessed something. Have you ever felt that? The kind of open ended clarity that opens your eyes to a great, glorious possibility? I knew that I had seen a light. I knew that I'd met my desire. And now I have to do something about it.

I came across this photo in my phone and decided to post it. Then I decided to write a caption. Then I decided what I was going to write. Then I looked up the store online to see if "M" was short for something. I discovered that I'd heard about this showroom before; that it belongs to a local interior designer named Erin Martin that I'd researched in the past because she was the designer who staged a home that I'd been in and found so perfect that my husband and I decided to get married there. I had no idea of this connection to Erin Martin all those times I'd driven past the showroom, drawn to it, finally pulled in and impressed upon. It may not be the strongest connection, but I know enough to trust that it only takes a millisecond to make another. 


So I'm here putting a feeler out there in the universe, a grand gesture in its own right, and may it help me find my way. And a feeler to Erin Martin, if she would ever entertain a conversation with me about her work, I am ready to listen.

My Birth Story

Birth. Birth day. Birthdays. I always wondered what it feels for a mother to celebrate her child's birthday. I think I'll always look back at that day as "the day that everything changed". One moment I had a baby in my belly and the next, a baby in my arms! Whenever I look back at belly photos I find myself saying "You were in there, and now you're out here!" and it's a trip down memory lane. 

I'm writing my birth story because I have the worst memory and I want to remember it in full. I'm sharing my birth story because even before I was pregnant I loved reading other women's birth stories. I found them to be some of the most raw, honest and unapologetic pieces of writing on the internet these days. Reading them shaped my expectations for my own labor and delivery, and they also affirmed that while women have been giving birth since the beginning of mankind, no two births are the same. Learning about the mysteries and magic of pregnancy and childbirth, I started to feel proud to be a woman. 

As I add yet another birth to the ether-net, I want to write down certain aspects of my birth story that I feel were a) unique to my experience, b) things I wish more mamas elaborated on or at least mentioned in the birth stories I read. 

Here we go....

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Humming Along

Things have been busy over here! Last time I wrote it was summer and now it's autumn. I do love this season, though. It's the best season for the senses—you've got the brisk air in your lungs and softer textures on your skin, the piercing afternoon light juxtaposed with the aroma of steaming hot drinks, and pops of color are having their last hurrah—you can't go wrong!

I'm enjoying a new role at work but it comes with constant juggling and prioritizing. I'm learning a lot and finally my professional career path is steering a little closer to my personal interests and some day they'll be one and the same, a topic of discussion between J and I lately.

And that brings me to our kid (everything brings me back to that kid). Our son just turned 8 months recently, and I find myself having to stop and look him over for a few minutes. I examine him head to toe to remind myself that he's growing right before my eyes. I can't believe he came into my world only this year! So recently that I can vividly remember what my life used to be like, and while I miss some aspects of the past, I've never been more excited for what's to come. Heck, I'm totally going to be one of those moms that has pre-bought birthday presents stashed in the closet until he's of the appropriate age, starting with a wooden toy bear and a huge ship kite. Some people invest in the stock market; I like to invest in his smiles.

Side projects are also picking up. Speaking of kids, I've been asked to style another kids apparel photo shoot, this time with a fall theme. I've got less than a month to construct a set, acquire and craft all the props and plan the shot list as best as possible. I'm also working on designing a top shelf beverage label and a destination wedding invitation for some very good friends. 


Yes, the holiday season is always busy, as I'm sure you all agree, but it feels like a particularly bountiful one this year. I've got lots to be thankful for, and I'm looking forward to getting in the festive spirit with la familia: upholding the old traditions and sprouting the new!


Souls of tomorrow

Today was my golden birthday! My poor kid was on my mind all week, suffering with an eczema flareup and subsequent heat rash, so I was very distracted and a bit distressed to be honest. But the thoughtful texts and dinners this week were just the right amount of celebration. Thank you loves!

The theme for this past year has been Family. My family has gotten bigger with a newborn and a brother-in-law and fiance, and I get to spend time with my blood family more than I ever have since moving out of the nest, some 10+ years ago. Particularly with my mom, who has been living with us part time and doing more than I could ever ask for, my relationship has grown. I'm very grateful that our son has such doting aunts and uncles and grandparents and great-aunts and uncles, and it's really wonderful to see how our little one has brought our family closer together. It's a nice side effect that I didn't fully expect out of all of this.

I came across this excerpt and had to share. Although this poem talks about a relationship between a parent and child, I think in any relationship, it's important to distinguish the intimacy from the non-ownership, mutual respect and separateness that is inherent in every individual. When I struggle with parenting, when my marriage isn't all butterflies and unicorns, when the daily grind feels plain and boring, I want to never forget that to love is to be free.

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. 
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the make upon the path of the infinite, and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness.
For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He also loves the bow that is stable.” 

―Children, by Khalil Gibran

How Being a Parent Has Changed Me

How has being a parent changed me….

I would say that it's changed me only a little bit so far. It's almost three months and two weeks since he came into the world, and in the little time that has passed (and yes, it goes as fast as they say) I don't feel drastically different. Sure, my life will never be exactly the same. I have someone to consider with every move I make. But I don't "see the world differently", and I don't feel that my life has "changed forever" so much. Everything has been unsettlingly natural.

Yet I find myself questioning my emotional identity. I feel things, a lot of things, but I thought I would feel… more. Don't get me wrong, I feel amazed by Ryo; that we created him but we do not own him; that he is his own whole human being, right from the start. I feel grateful that he is healthy. I also feel surprisingly relaxed and easy going, when I thought I would be more obsessed. Even throughout pregnancy I didn't feel like making a big deal about his nursery, parenting style decisions, even things we needed to decide immediately after his birth like his name and whether or not we should circumcise. I didn't want to feel rushed so I let each step of the journey sink in, taking my time to adjust and trusting that it will come. I don't worry about what looks like eczema on his cheek. I don't think he needs a bath every day. I handle him like a football when I probably should be more careful. 

So, I'm taking my time, but I then i start to worry. Is it too much time? Am I waiting too long to "become a parent?" How open am I capable of being? Am I guarding myself? Have I not made a bond? I want to feel close to my son, and I want to feel close to my partner. Am I holding back? Am I just exhausted? Am I too distracted by all the should-be's? Should I not be? God, I am starting to understand why my mom despises that word, "should". It's so loaded with judgement and expectations. I've written about my struggles with judgement before, and I'm starting to realize that I haven't written about my birth story because of how much Expectation is weighing me down. I want to feel free of all that… 

I really liked this blog post by artist Michelle Armas, whose work I love, but also whose voice I admire. She writes her take on how her impending parenthood can be as individual as she is, and how **she decides** how it goes. That completely resonated with me. I want to feel that freedom from expectation, which by the way, I'm realizing is COMPLETELY internal and dumb. I don't know how to stop listening to myself but also start listening to myself, like a freak'n schizophrenic, but I'll figure it out.

I can probably start by being assertive with myself and making some conscious statements like: I am both a laid-back parent AND I have motherly instincts, which means I know what matters and what doesn't. The only thing I should do right now is give my son lots of kisses and cuddles while he's still little and can't run away from me. I want to start making a habit of saying "I love you" multiple times a day. I will protect his online presence and limit sharing, as much as I can abstain anyway, the internet ho that I am. I don't want him to watch produced television at all, but I guess home videos or text-based screens are OK. And if we're going to have toys they will be thoughtfully designed. Tactile, not tacky. I will do what I can to take him outside and explore, but I won't go out of my way to do something neither of us will enjoy. 

Hunh, weird. I feel better already.